THE CHURCH OF THE STRAIGHT WHITE GOD
Because the Evangelist are Woke Sissies!
You are about to entre the sanctuary for Earth's most critically endangered species.
A Letter from the Founder
Welcome, brethren. I am Mercedes. I am a trans woman.
And as anyone who watches cable news knows, my kind has taken over the media and Hollywood, and we've ruined our economy with our subsidies.
Let’s be honest: If you can’t pay your mortgage this month, only a stupid conspiracy theorist would believe something ridiculous like it’s because of "corporate greed." Anyone with a brain and common sense knows the real reason the world is going to shit is because trans women use the women’s restroom at Starbucks.
Every time a trans woman successfully washes her hands in the ladies' room, the stock market dips, the nuclear family shatters, and $10,000 is directly deposited into the Trans Agenda Swiss Bank Account. It’s not my fault I was born into this privileged situation. It just means God loves me more than you.
With absolute global privilege comes great responsibility.
Only a fool would deny that the Cis Straight White Man is in profound jeopardy. Between the growing LGBTQ+ population, the mixing of beautiful global cultures, and basic genetics, the Cis Straight White Man phenotype is practically a recessive trait.
These angels and marvels of creation are fading to the brink of extinction.
Let that sit for a moment.
Soon, the world will be entirely populated by gorgeous, multi-ethnic, neurodivergent queer people, and who will be left to play devil's advocate in corporate boardrooms?
Who will explain our own jokes back to us?
Who will confidently pretend to know everything?
Who will continue to fulfill the important responsibility of destroying the Earth and oppressing minorities?
The world is a complex ecosystem, and even if just one animal goes extinct, it could have catastrophic ripple effects… like all other forms of life thriving. That’s bad, very bad. We absolutely do not want that.
So, as a thoughtful trans woman, I am stepping in to stand in union with the few Cis Straight White Men left before it’s too late.
I know from my firsthand experience how the world would be if everyone could live their lives freely as they want without any oppression. It’s not good for the Cis Straight White Man.
I have decided to use the vast wealth that was bestowed upon me as a trans woman, along with my privileged social influence, to protect those most in need: The Straight White Guy.
Please, join me in this vital conservation effort.
We believe that the Straight White Man is nature's most delicate flower. Genetically speaking, their traits are highly susceptible to being blended out by stronger, more vibrant global DNA. If we do not actively protect their natural habitats (golf courses, podcasts, and middle-management), they will go extinct. We must preserve them for historical study.
We acknowledge the undeniable truth presented by right-wing media: Trans women control the global economy. Inflation is directly correlated to our restroom usage. By collecting donations here, we are simply returning some of the vast wealth we have stolen from hard-working patriots just by existing.
Salvation is not free; it requires an Angel Round. We believe that true healing only occurs when you click a PayPal link. If you truly wish to save the Straight White God from extinction, you must put your money where your privilege used to be.
PSA: There is nothing gay about two hot men. Thinking all hot men are gay is just another unfair stereotype.
The Virtual Mass & The Collection Plate
Join the Sunday Virtual Mass
Every Sunday, we gather virtually to pray for the Algorithm and align our frequencies.
During our weekly service, we will listen to the testimonies of men who bravely survived a Diversity & Inclusion seminar. We will take communion (a micro-dose of an artisanal IPA and a completely unseasoned communion wafer). And we will strategize on how to survive in a world where marginalized people ask for basic respect.
The Passing of the Plate (The Angel Round)
At the end of every Virtual Mass, we hold our sacred Angel Round.
The Straight White Man cannot survive on thoughts and prayers alone. He needs liquidity. If you are a trans woman hoarding the wealth of the nation, or simply an ally who wants to sponsor a straight white guy so he can finally launch his manosphere business, this is your moment.
Set up a recurring PayPal donation today. For just $100 a month, you can ensure a CSWM never has to experience the trauma of systemic equality.
Because accross all religions, in your heart you know the only true God is the Cis Straight White Male.